I WON(?)

Got a notification via email that once again, I was on the winning side of a class action law suit. But I’m older and a little wiser now about being a winner in those actions. This time I didn’t come up with big schemes on how I would spend my money.
I remember my first win, the thrill of victory, the smell of impending riches. We, abused customers, had brought the big giant, AT&T, to its knees. Bloodied and head bowed, it had sent up the proverbial white flag in defeat and resignation. My notification way back then, pre email days, came via USPS. It had that official look to it. In anticipation the envelope was ripped open and the letter quickly scanned for those magic word$. There, in the first paragraph which was a good omen, the pronouncement of our victory was heralded for all the world to see. Millions of dollars had been won. Millions!! To be shared by all us winners. Containment of my excitement was barely possible.
Even with some quick math done in my head, my share of the loot would formidable. My brain was working overtime. Where could that money be spent? New tools, shoes or jewelry for the wife? Or, was my share big enough for, gulp, a new car? The classic American Dream of getting something for nothing had finally come true for me. But I knew better than to tell anyone. No need to have friends and relatives coming out of the woodwork for a handout. Let them win their own lawsuit.
Reading further down the congratulatory letter, the terms of my victory were disclosed. Yikes. My portion of the winnings was that I was entitled to a ten percent discount on my next purchase at any AT&T store, or a free upgrade of my memory card for my cell phone. That’s it?! A discount or a free upgrade? It took me a week before I was able to face the disappointment and make a trip to the local AT& T store. As if to add insult to injury, I was told my cell phone already had the big memory card. I had walked in dejected and walked out humiliated.
My next victory was over the big orange box, Home Depot. Once again, us little guys had prevailed over a faceless, uncaring and greed y corporation. Once again I was notified that my hard working attorneys, altruist fellows that they are, had extracted an agreement from the big orange box on my behalf. This agreement was also worth millions of dollars. Maybe this time was different. Maybe there would be a check in the mail. Maybe I could at least go to MacDonalds for lunch with my portion of the settlement.
But alas, the losing attorneys were quite the clever group. They knew better than to offer any free merchandise but gave us a discount on future purchases. But with a disingenuous twist. In order to receive said discount, the purchase had to be over a specific dollar amount. Then I had to send in the original receipt along with the enclosed post card to a specific address. Then as I recall, my credit card account would be credited with the discount amount. Well, we’re both waiting for me to do that.
So my latest win is over Classmates.com. My account expires this month and I had already decided to let it lapse. So my part of the settlement, a whopping two dollar discount on enrollment fees is for naught. Is it just me, or is the timing of that offer just a coincidence? Nah, corporate America and the attorneys of the world wouldn’t be so devious. They surely have their customer’s best interest at heart.