Class Action

We’re all suckers for get rich quick schemes to one extent or another. Just look at all the states that run a lottery. Or those emails from some Liberian, Nigerian or even Iberian Prince.
While in college a bunch of us knuckleheads came up with a rather ingenious plan. It came after unsuccessfully trying to return a defective item of clothing with a lifetime guarantee. The return policy was so complex and time consuming that it was better to just toss whatever it was that had been purchased. We thought maybe using that same concept and selling socks, that it would make us a bundle of money. Fortunately it turned out to be just a bunch of hot air. We should have become lawyers and just cashed in on Class Action Lawsuits. We could’ve made huge amounts of money. Legally.
My first victory against big business came over Levi Strauss, but not as a member of any lawsuit. They agreed to a settlement without admitting to price gouging. All I had to do was send in my name and address with a statement as to how many pairs of Levis I had purchased. Based on that number, we would all get a piece of the settlement pie. Problem was that it was left to the honor system. No proof of purchase required. Seems we all claimed to have purchased more pants than Levi Strauss had ever sewn together in its entire history. I’m still waiting for that money.
I’ve been a member of several class action lawsuits. Of course I joined, just like you. After all, we were united against those meanies otherwise known as corporate America. Faceless entities we love to hate. My first successful lawsuit was against AT&T. I eagerly tore open all envelopes from attorneys until one day the notice came. I read it, hands trembling a little. We had prevailed! Our attorneys had brought AT&T to its knees and forced them into a multimillion dollar settlement. Way to go. Not sure what I was going to do with my share. Maybe a new car, but not too fancy.
Turns out my winnings consisted of choosing one of a couple options. One, I could upgrade to a bigger memory card for my cell phone. Two, I got a whopping ten percent discount on my next purchase over $25 at any conveniently located cell phone store. OK, it’s not a new car but it was a moral victory. Seems that’s really all it was since my cell phone already had the big memory card. And I didn’t understand how me spending money to save money was much of a victory.
One settlement actually reminded me of my college scheme. I was notified by attorneys that my next opponent was Home Depot. With much anticipation I joined the other plaintiffs. Once again, I was part of the winning team. Hooray! A little less eagerly I opened the envelope explaining how to claim my share of the millions my attorneys were able to wrangle away from the big orange box. Let’s see if I remember correctly. On my next purchase over a certain amount all I needed to do was send my receipt along with the enclosed post card to the address listed. Then ten percent, of my purchase would be refunded to me. What?
It has taken me a while, but I think I’ve got this class action lawsuit stuff figured out. OK, here goes. I’m the one that has been allegedly screwed over. My money has been taken, shall we say, just a bit on the shady side by big corporations. Then, when the lawsuits are won by attorneys and million dollar settlements are made, all I get are lousy discounts? From the same people that I sued for taking my money in the first place. So just who gets those millions? Just like you, I’ve figured that out too.
The bright side is that it didn’t cost me anything to join the lawsuits. It’s tough not to want a part of the American dream; hitting the legal lotto. And there are no hard feelings on my part. I still have an AT&T iPhone, buy Levis and shop at Home Depot. As an added benefit I now I know where part of my money goes. From my pocket to their registers to attorneys. Mine and yours. Brings a tear to my eye. But it’s a not a tear of anger or regret. It’s more like envy.
So next time you get an offer to join a class action lawsuit, go ahead. What have you got to lose? Or maybe you prefer to think that you’re taking the moral high road and doing it to just teach those CEO’s a lesson. If you don’t do it, who will? Either way, I have a pair of socks that come with a lifetime guarantee with your name on them waiting for you.